She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
