we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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