I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
