theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize