Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
