my mouth tastes like poor choices
even my farts smell like vagina
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
