Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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