Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
