Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
porn star boner night. come get it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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