You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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