Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
