...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
