Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
