I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
