Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
