they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
