so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
