I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
