I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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