She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
