tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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