my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
