So drunk its hurt
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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