Already got asked if we're dating
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
