Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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