Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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