Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
