Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
