someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize