Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
