you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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