The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
FUCK WHALES
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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