Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
