Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize