I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Boobs are out for the taking
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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