The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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