It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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