Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize