At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
