Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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