hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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