tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You made out with two different species that night
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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