dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She announced her abortion via fbk
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
