This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
