good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
