peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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