Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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