im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
