i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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