So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
