they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
