Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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