She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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