why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
