The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
