He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
