I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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