What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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