if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
