She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize