Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
