It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
