We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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