Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
